Da' Dream Makin' Cold Blooded Sausage


Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Soccer? Really? I am So Ashamed!

There have been tons of warm, squishy, good, feelings around the Dawgs this off-season (even here at our evil little site). However, the latest news of Aaron Murray injuring his ankle has brought back that old familiar shame that we felt after the Colorado game.

Now the injury itself doesn't seem to be a very big deal and Murray will be more than ready when Boise State rolls around in Atlanta. No, there is no need to panic and demand that some explanation be given for the disposal of Mettenberger . Although with no Breast Firmness Inspector on the roster we are in danger of Athens' titties becoming a little on the droopy side.

The shame that we feel comes from how the injury happened as opposed to the injury itself. Our hopes of a tougher team come this fall took a major hit with this news...why would you play Soccer? I can not put enough emphasis on the following statement:


Soccer was invented in England by old ladies who had recently had hip replacement surgery and couldn't risk playing real football on account of being old and brittle. No male over 8 years old should ever be caught dead playing soccer. Here is a list of people who may play soccer without ridicule:

1. Old Ladies

2. Male children 8 years old or younger

3. Female children

4. Bull-Dykes

5. Asians

6. Citizens of the State of Ohio (cause Ohio is super gay)

Since Aaron Murray doesn't fall under any of these categories he should be ridiculed and made fun of by his teammates as well as his coaches. Might I suggest that when in his presence one should run around in a circle with his arms in close to his body, his wrists held in a exaggerated limp fashion, and in a high pitched female-like voice chant:

"Ohhhhh look at me look at me I'm Aaron Murray and I'm playing soccer. Ooooohhhhh I can't use my hands I can't use my hands!"

People who like soccer are stupid or European and since saying something is European is the same as saying something is stupid and gay we are right back to soccer being stupid and gay. People who are "Soccer fans" are all militant about soccer and demand that you like it as well. They say things like:

"It's the most popular game in the world."

"It is very big in Europe"

"If Americans would just give it a chance"

Do you know why America is so awesome and every where else is so not awesome? The answer is pretty simple because we hate soccer. Hopefully Aaron is just young and confused and only had some questions about playing soccer but now realizes that he actually does really like girls.


  1. My primary argument in support of the beautiful game...
    (mute helps here)
    and this...

  2. American 'football' is for wankers and faggots waiting to come out.