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Friday, June 10, 2011

The Patterson to Georgia 2012 Campaign: Re-Kickoff

The State of Georgia doesn't exactly have a Virginia-esque resume when it comes to U.S. Presidents. In fact let's be honest--the four years of the Carter administration was a case study in functional retardation of Ray Goof proportions. Yesterday, our best hope of fixing the "Anyone but a Georgia Cracker" mentality for the White House took a major blow.
One of the largest mass exoduses from any political campaign happened as everyone left the quasi-Georgian, Newt Gingrich's campaign. Newt is now teetering on the brink and his campaign is about to crumble like a Willie Martinez defensive scheme in the face of even the most average of offensive attacks.
Newt's response to this disaster is that he will "Re-Kickoff" his campaign for the White House. Well...let me tell you what son, we had no idea one could re-kickoff a campaign. So just like the Speaker we will be doing a little re-kicking of a campaign most near and dear to our hearts. So without further introduction we at Sports and Grits are please to announce the Re-launching of:


Cue the Mojo Nixon "You Can't Kill Me"

We were poly sci majors so we know the drill....every campaign needs a platform and every platform needs planks. Obviously extreme awesomeness is a prerequisite to any platform and since none may doubt Patterson's awesomeness here are a few other planks:

YELLING! - Like farts being funny, soccer being gay, and almost but not quite chunky girls being the most desirable---Yelling is an undeniable truth of the male experience. Georgia used to have a world class yeller on staff in BVG (of course we also used to win football games). About a decade ago Gary Patterson looked down at the ground. The ground was just there, it wasn't moving, it wasn't working as hard as it possibly could, it was being lazy. The Patterson abhors laziness and so he started yelling at the ground. The full force gale level winds created by his superior lung capacity passing over his vocal cords and his tongue and lips dictating the sound of that wind into various curse words and insults created a natural vortex. The vortex lifted The Patterson into the air. Once he had finished berating the ground with various insults and racial slurs he found that the vortex had carried him into the state of Texas. The Patterson immediately demanded that he be given the reigns of the closest D-1 football program. Fearing his mighty wrath and also figuring they couldn't get any worse at football, TCU complied. Not satisfied with his superior yelling skills earning him a job The Patterson then decided to start yelling at a bunch of 2 and 3 star recruits until they became legit D-1 players. Now just imagine what he could do with real SEC caliber talent.

2. THE 4-2-5 DEFENSE- If you don't understand it then check out this analysis of it (oddly enough written by a Clempsun blogger and in English no less as opposed to the grunts and clicks that most Clempsun fans usually use to communicate with each other). Or, you could just go straight to the source and read this Doctoral Dissertation that Patterson himself wrote while at New Mexico in which he describes the Stephen Hawkins-like understanding of the concept of defense that he possesses. A little warning before you read this:
a) make sure you have on pants with a little give up front,
b) make sure you are aware of the location of the moist towelettes,
c) prepare thyself for greatness.
Of course if you are a Richt-O-Phile who is offended by this you could always read this non-doctoral non-dissertation that Richt wrote (P.S. Bobo drew that super sweet Rainbow). In a nutshell the 4-2-5 operates off of superior speed, focuses of safety play, and dumbs down defensive play calls so the kids are reacting and not over-thinking. That's right.....The Patterson has a defense that is custom made for a place that produces 5'11 to 6'3, 195 to 225 lb, dumb kids that can run really fast.....if only the State of Georgia matched that description.
3. DICK BUMPAS- Like Napoleon and Ney or Lee and Jackson all great commanders need a solid right-hand man. Bonus points because his last name is Bumpas and he chose to go with Dick over Richard. Double bonus points because he looks just like Sam Elliot.
4.HATRED- All people with true drive are fueled by hatred of something. Here is a definitive list of things that The Patterson hates:
-To lose
-Mental Mistakes
-The Prevent Defense
-Off the field irresponsibility
-Missing on an in-state recruit
-Will Muschamp's haircut
-Charlie Weiss' horrible oral hygiene
-People who take some imaginary moral high ground as an excuse for why their program fails at football while other programs do something that helps them win with no consideration for these imaginary moral rules
-Lethargic defensive play
-Vanilla offenses
-OC's who call 27 pass plays in one game and 25 of them are screens because the purpose of a screen is to surprise the other team but you lose that element of surprise when you call the screen 25 of 27 times.
- Non-January bowl games
-Maintaining an assistant in a job that he is clearly failing at because you feel some moral responsibility to making sure that man is making enough money to keep his kids operating in the upper 1% of Americans with disposable incomes.
Hatred makes The Patterson stronger because if you stop hating then you get comfortable. Comfort leads to happiness. Happiness leads to laziness. Laziness leads to a sense of entitlement. All of those things combined lead to 6-7 record and a shameful bowl game loss to a far far far inferior program.


  1. Rider, GP is the man!

    Let the philes begin their denounciation (sp) of any qualified candidates to replace their beloved.

    Curent Top 5

    Mike Gundy (does more with less...other than GP)
    Mike Leach
    K Smart
    C Kelly (yea, thats right! Would leave the "O" in a heartbeat)

  2. This is CCRider. Blogspot is super gay and it won't allow me to comment under my account. So add blogspot to the list of things that both I and The Patterson hate.

    Anon @ 5:23

    The R-O-P's will soon enough let us know all about how being in the Big East will keep GP at TCU. GP knows that a one loss SEC Champion would get the nod over an undefeated Big East Champ and also enough money can change anyone's mind.

    On your list--I would place the Dread Pirate above Gundy. I worry about K-Mart because if being a great recruiter in the South is the most important element of the job then Charlie Strong should be on that list. I wonder about Smart just like I wonder about Muschamp.
    I 100% agree that Kelly would bolt but I think Ohio State will go hard after him and between him and The Patterson the Fighting Chocolate Covered Peanut butter Balls can have Kelly.
    I would also give some consideration to Dana Holgorsen. It appears that all is not well for the Dude up in Hillbilly Heaven.

  3. Richt isn't going anywhere, just wait and see!

  4. Here's hoping your senior staff abandons your campaign come September 10, and it's in full tatters after October 29!

  5. I think if Richt gets fired Mullen comes in from missy state

  6. As of now I think richt needs to go but its not because he's a bad coach its because he wont get rid of bobo just like he fought against letting Willie go. To nice of a guy to fire people and football has no place for nice guys