Da' Dream Makin' Cold Blooded Sausage

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Thursday, July 14, 2011

The Patterson to Georgia Campaign Stop Number 4--Time to Pick a Running-Mate

Naturally we have assumed from the very beginning of this process that Gary Patterson and Dick Bumpas are a package deal. On the other hand we have made no such assumptions about anyone else on Patterson's current staff. Also, TCU is going to need a coach so we will just go ahead and say that they can keep the Offensive Coordinator to fill that void.
In this case Patterson will need a running-mate/offensive coordinator to go ahead and ice the cake of his candidacy. Now some will say, "Lets just keep Bobo and have Patterson yell at him until he understand the basics of Football"--not a bad plan but we don't want anything to deflate the current momentum of the campaign. We need a big name and we need it now.
The campaign has put out a number of "feelers" and have just completed a thorough vetting process (something that the McCain campaign should have invested in back in 08'). We had a number of very strong candidates to review:

Dana Holgorsen responded by saying:
"Please, please, please, for the love of God I will take the job for $50 a day and a renewal of my Sirius/XM subscription so I can keep the Radio Margaritaville channel. Just get me out of Hillbilly Hell!"
Naturally we thought "Hey $50 a day that is cheap, and a certain University President is all about gettin out on the cheap." However, alas there was a Red Bull clause in Holgorsen's contract and the cost of keeping him properly hydrated with Red Bulls would eliminate the very low cost of paying him.

Paul Chryst of Wisconsin was also strongly considered. The major flaw with his vetting was that when asked what his Offensive philosophy was he said:
"Give me a 315lb running back that clocks a 6 flat on the 40 and I will show you how football is supposed to be played. Some people say 3 yards and a cloud of dust but I think 3 is little on the stingy-side. I hold firmly to the 1.5 yards and a cloud of dust philosophy."

Needless to say we were in fear that the campaign could fall apart. Basically, there is no one anywhere close to Patterson and Bumpas in terms of awesomeness. We were dumbfounded, frustrated, and felt very much like Willie Martinez matched against a mediocre offensive mind. Then suddenly our phone rang. It was an odd area-code that we would later discover was from Tortuga. The voice on the other end said:
"You looking for an offensive coordinator?"
We said "Well, yes we are."
"What is your fax number?"
We gave the number and as we asked who we were speaking with the line went dead. Moments later we received this fax!
We called the number back and asked why the fax smelled of rum and blood. We also asked who we were speaking with. This is the answer we were given:
I am the Horseman,
I am mentally mad,
I am a super-sharp shooter,
Sitting on your roof top.
I came to gets them points, son and I shant be denied.
I understand from speaking with Stafford that you have some form of a lake easily accessible my motor vehicle from campus in which I may dock my ship. I further understand that your campus has a sufficient number of fat girls with pretty faces. If all of this is true I accept your offer, sir."






Patterson to Georgia 2012 no Concussion or Scrotum can be safe.






1 comment:

  1. As a small side note we have removed the Anonymous option for comments.
    This is so that if you wish try and make it look like multiple people are agreeing with your insane and factually inaccurate comments you will at least have to deal with the trouble of creating multiple screen names.

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