Da' Dream Makin' Cold Blooded Sausage


Tuesday, July 19, 2011

S&G Athletic Club Announces the 2011 Harvey Updyke Award Watch List

The Sports & Grits Athletic Club is please to announce our 2011 pre-season Updyke Award watch list. This is the inaugural year of the Updyke so we need to explain all the factors to be considered for what will surely become the Heisman of the SEC. Here are qualities necessary to be considered for the Updyke:

1. One must be associated with the SEC as a player, coach, AD, or naturally a fan.
2. One must not give a "flying monkey fudge" about anything other than winning and tasting the oh so refreshing tears of their rivals.
3. One must perform at least one act that shocks the senses while attempting to win and/or extract the afore mentioned tears.

Here is a brief list of some people who would have been past winners:
2010 Nick Fairley- see link for explanation.
2009 Brandon Spikes- for excellence in optometry.

Hmmmmmm........two winners, each for acts of extreme violence against Georgia Bulldogs........you don't think that other teams think we are soft because teams take on the persona of their coach, do you?

Some historical examples of Updykian excellence would have been:
1934- LA Governor Huey Long commandeers Illinois Central Railroad Cars to transport 5,000 LSU fans to Nashville for the Vanderbilt game. Abuse of power is always a highly sought after characteristic of any Updyke Award winner.

This years pre-season watch list is:
1. Barrett Jones OG Bama- You don't control the interior of the line in the SEC because you are a fine up-standing youth.
2. Dont'a Hightower LB Bama- First of all the SEC has been doing pretty good with LB's from Tennessee that go West (see Patrick Willis Ole Miss). Second, if you are from Tennessee then the only toys your parents could afford were sticks and your own feet. In Tennessee when you tell kids to go and play you mean go outside and run around hitting each other with sticks.........it builds character and toughness.
3. Jake Bequette DE Ar-Kansas- Speaking of having a tough childhood. You are white and are on the pre-season all SEC team at an instinct position? Someone did not have a big screen TV in their room, a Nintendo 64, and all the other trappings of white middle-classdom that causes honky children to not really try at sports. That or Mr. Bequette takes everything from his kids but their crap.
4. Barkevious Mingo DL LSU- Well there is the obvious fact that his name sounds like some genetically mutated new breed of pit bull dog. We are just gonna go out on a limb a guess that the Hat Molester found this kid in the Bayou wrestling alligators while wearing an anaconda as a necklace and shouting praises to some primitive god of war......you know the same place he finds all of his defensive linemen.
5. Stephano "EL Magnifico" Garcia QB USC- He is in the SEC, he don't give a non-flying monkey fudge much less a flying one. This cuts both ways however because it isn't that he cares for nothing but winning, it is because cares for nothing except being Frat-tastic (Like the Hot Nuts song says "He is a frat man through and through"). Oh how we can't wait for his "shocks the senses" moment.
6. Mean Gene Chizik HC Auburn- Something tells us he is going to be a "perennial" candidate.

As a side note--- This Years Harvey Updyke "Life Time Achievement Award" recipient will be:

If you have to ask then go back to your Big Ten blog site you Yankee swine.


  1. Good list. As far as UGA players go, why not Ben Jones? He comes across as someone who would cut someone's throat to gain another yard.

  2. -CoachSpurlock

    Point taken, sir. Please note that there are a number of additional "dark-horse" candidates such as:
    1. Ben Jones
    2. Almost any Ole Miss fan who is at this point at risk of running onto the field and assaulting the new mascot.
    3. Anyone who lives in the State of Alabama regardless of team affiliation.
    4. I assumed it went without saying that Lester the Hat Molester and the Right Rev. Nutt are to be are always on this list.

    At the end of the year will take a vote and write-in candidates will be allowed.

  3. This is the best idea to come around the SEC since Bear Bryant disguised offensive guards as free-style swimmers and divers. I hear Vegas has Mingo as the early favorite.

  4. -Bernie

    Vegas will most likely hedge the house money in the end. Hold Miles out as a long shot, everyone bets on Miles because lets be honest its Les Miles. Vegas gets the money at long odds and at the last minute he shoots up to odds on favorite.

  5. Let's not forget, Ben Jones is FROM Alabama...hard to bet against the Hat tho'

  6. Since it's named after Updyke, and with the list of past examples, I'm assuming it's not just crazy but devious and damaging crazy. Causing destruction has to be a category, cause if it was just plain nuts, Lester would already have this locked up for this alone.

  7. I would pay to see you call a UGA football player soft to his face. I'll even give you Blair Walsh, and my money would be on the kicker. Opinions are like assholes, everybody's got one, but please, just stop making ignorant rants out of your opinions. At least attempt to back them up with facts. You commended Ben Dukes for stating he had nothing factual, he just loved Richt. You could return the courtesy. You know as well as I do, at worst (best in your case) Richt's seat is just slightly warm, his ass is far from on fire. You know as well as I do, short of .500 ball, Richt is back at the helm next season. I am definitely one who loves Richt the man, and as a diehard fan, my patience has been tested for Richt the coach, but calling the man soft, clearly you have never interviewed a player. Just because he doesn't yell and scream, and throw kids around on camera doesn't mean he doesn't get animated in the locker room or on the practice field. Honestly, I'm entirely too lazy to go look it up, but T. King did a nice piece comparing Richt's records against every tenured UGA coach and the facts show that Richt is the best coach UGA has ever had. Now that's not to say UGA wouldn't be better off going another direction, but as of right now, the facts don't support that. Richt will be in Athens at least two more seasons, so either support it, or find another team. I'm sure Marky-Mark isn't reading this blog, but what good does it do to rip the man apart every other day? As you said, money talks, and I'm sure you aren't very high up on the list of importance. You have clearly never coached football, so your opinion is semi-educated at best, and I'd be willing to bet you haven't stepped on a field since middle school. But, a Georgia fan is a Georgia fan, and there is definitely something respectable about that. The facts just don't support your claim.

  8. What is the period for the HUA? Is it the calendar year? Or the football year, i.e., 2011-2012?

    In either case, University of Alabama fan, Brian Downing, simply has to be the award winner for his performance following this years(2012) BCS Championship game.

    1. One must be associated with the SEC as a player, coach, AD, or naturally a fan. ...OF COURSE, BRIAN IS A FAN.
    2. One must not give a "flying monkey fudge" about anything other than winning and tasting the oh so refreshing tears of their rivals. ...I know Brian: NOTHING MATTERS TO HIM BUT WINNING AND WAVING HIS 'FLYINGMONKEY' AT HIS DEFEATED RIVALS. (as taught to him by his family)
    3. One must perform at least one act that shocks the senses while attempting to win and/or extract the afore mentioned tears. SHOCKS THE SENSES? IT WILL BE A LONG WHILE BEFORE EVEN AN ALABAMA FAN CAN TOP BRIAN'S SHOCKING PERFORMANCE!

    There should be a banquet, with tuxes and ESPN coverage, when the Harvey Updyke Award is presented.