Friday, September 23, 2011
Week 4 Picks Guaranteed* to Win You Money
a little later than normal, but still in time to win you money, and you like money, right pal? Hey, we all like money, and these picks, these picks are guaranteed* to win you money (17-11-1 so far on the season). So take these picks and I'll be by for my cut on Monday.
#13 Virginia Tech -20 1/2 @ Marshall-This ain't Randy Moss or Jim Donnan's Marshall. The Whatizits are rolling along nicely, and while Beamerball doesn't usually like 20+ point spreads (they only won by 21 vs. Arky State last week!), Marshall is really bad right now. Take the Hokies to cover, although they will make it as difficult and boring as possible.
#12 South Carolina -16 1/2 Vanderbilt-Navy almost made us look smart last weekend, but Vandy is different. Sure, they roughed up the Daddy Bears, but those masochists at Ole Miss like a women who'll smack you in the face with a weight belt after they get through grinding you in to snu-snu submission. And Vandy is no Navy. To be honest, no one can play that style of offense with their level of precision and execution. This spread will be a contest of Lattimore vs. El Stephano. Garcia will throw a pick or two to keep it close, Lattimore will continue his Heisman campaign on ESPN2. Take the Manchild to push 200 again, and SC gets a defensive score or near score to cover late.
#11 Florida St -2 1/2 #21 Clemson-#21? Really? Just cause they beat their non-laked brethren, who nearly lost to Utah St in the opener? Need we forget, these are the same kitty cats that nearly lost to Wofford two weeks ago, and it wasn't a spelling contest. The Seminoles are beaten and bloodied, but AP voters are Dougs constantly seeing squirrels. Seminoles cover in a fight of offensive ineptitude that would make lil' Jeffrey Bowden proud.
#10 Oregon -15 1/2 @ Arizona-Yawn. The only reason it's not bigger is that road symbol. LaMichael James continues to produce in obscurity as the best back in the land of easy running (seriously, when was the last time the Pac 10 didn't have some smallish highlight reel rusher making all their defenses look like middle schoolers playing flag football), and may crack 250 as the Ducks mudstomp the Desert Dwellers.
#9 Nebraska -23 1/2 Wyoming-23? That's not even funny. The Children of the Corn have posted over 40 every week, and Wyoming ain't hitting 20. Take the Screaming Pellini's in this week's gift game.
#8 Texas A&M - 4 1/2 #7 Oklahoma St-The Aggies have been playing well, but the T Boones have been too. We can spit off some numerical nonsense we found on google, but we haven't paid attention to either team. But we like I'm a Man Gundy over I Worked With Brett Favre Sherman, and the Cowpokes schedule looks tougher than A&M's so far. We'll take the T Boones, cause it'll probably be close, probably hit the over by halftime, and at worse, even if they lose, they can still cover the points if they keep it within a FG. Keep the points and take Okie St.
#4 Boise -31 1/2 Tulsa-So Tulsa has to score at least 30 to cover? Not gonna happen on the smurf turf. Take the Broncos, who'll push 60 or 70.
#3 Alabama -11 1/2 #14 Arkansas-Bama is football machine right now. Arkansas is one of the few bumps on the tracks that might derail them from the game of the century in Tuscaloosa on November 5. Trent Richardson shows Arkansas why they probably should have scheduled better than a steaming pile of pig piss before Saturday, and Saban's unholy army of demons on defense pitch a shutout. Take the Tahd, 28-10.
#2 LSU -5 1/2 @ #16 West Virginia-Oh my. The crazy gets turned up to 21 in Morgantown, from it's usual 11. This one will be pure awesomeness. Grass vs. Red Bull. Drunken crazy vs. plain crazy crazy. Couch burning vs. corn dogs. It'll be a dream wrapped in a fantasy. Oh, and LSU's behemoth blue gums continue that march to November 5th. LSU more than doubles the cover. It'll be close for a half, but the fires will run out of gas around 40 minutes in, and those Bayou Bengals know how to finish a victim, 24-14 in the end.
#1 Oklahoma -21 1/2 Missouri-Big Game Bob will choke eventually, and while he won't lose, he won't cover either. 21 is a decent amount of points, and it'll be tougher when the Sooners come out flat. Their talent will win in the end, but Mizzou keeps it close. And man, Mizzou must be feeling like a below average girl in Athens that just transferred to Tech, as they went from a 4 to a 9 in a hurry. Nothing special, but the Big 10 and SEC will be fighting for one of the few not ugly girls still on the market. Our suggestion, keep feeling pretty and go with the rest of the uggos in Big 10 land, because you'll be back to a 4 real quick in the Playmate party we call the SEC.
*-guarantee only good on Christmas Eve, between 4:30 and 4:49 in the morning, if you're on your way to Toys-R-Us to get your kid the last Transformer doll, and right before you go inside you get smacked upside the head with a brick