|How about I have CANCER!|
Step 1: This past summer before all the "dookie" hits the fan you put all your assets into your wife's name.
Step 2: You then dip into the classic Old Fart defense and act like you are confused and can't hear anything.
Step 3: Penn State turns into the epicenter of confusion and denial for multiple weeks.
Step 4: You then essentially fire yourself because we are all under the impression that you ruled Happy Valley with an iron fist.
Step 5: You then "catch" cancer
Step 6: You then "die"
Step 7: Then this guy hops a plane for Brazil