Da' Dream Makin' Cold Blooded Sausage

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Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Call the Augusta Mall and Ask Them Why They Hate the Georgia Bulldogs So Much!

In fact call them right now at (706) 733-1001. Or click here to send them a stern e-mail.
J.B. White store at the Regency Mall.  Back when a mall was a mall and before Dillards fagged up the Whites.
Augusta used to be just like Chris Rock says-- a place that has two malls "the mall white people go to and the mall that white people used to go to."  The mall that white people used to go to in Augusta was the Regency Mall.  Now as you can imagine I am not a big fan of malls on account of my having a penis and everything; but as a kid that grew up with a mother, a young man with girl friends, and now a slightly less young man with a wife I have been in a few over the years.  With those credentials I can safely say that the Regency Mall is the side boobage of all malls.  If you want proof here is undeniable proof as I remember it from childhood:
  1. It had 2 count em' 2 toy stores!  A KB Toys and a Playland Toys, greatness!
  2. It had a pizza place that was a store that you actually walked into with tables and everything.  None of this "food court" pizza crap.
  3. It had an ice cream shop that was a store that you actually walked into with tables and everything.  None of this "food court" ice cream crap.
  4. Everything was painted a soothing and masculine doo-doo brown because brown goes with everything.
  5. It had a store called "Ol' Calcutta" and it sold nunchucks, ninja stars, and basically everything you need to be super awesome.
  6. At Christmas if the line to see Santa was too long you could just head on down to see Rudolph!  Oh, I didn't stutter Rudolph the Motherlovin' Reindeer was all up in that Humpty-Bumpty.  They had a real reindeer inside of a wooden fence with a little red and green barn and if you walked around to the back of the barn there was Rudolph.  One time some kid tried to say it was just a puppet but that dickhead probably didn't get anything for Christmas that year.
Anyway the Regency Mall had one fatal flaw.......it was built within City Bus/1974 Buick Regal driving distance from public housing.  That is white people code for the ghetto.....which is white people code for a bunch of poor black people who don't pay for their housing or food.... so they don't need a job..... so they hang out at the mall all day long committing crimes.  Well long story short the mall tried to stop the buses and they got called racists (just like I am about to be called in the comment section below).  Eventually all that "being within City Bus/1974 Buick Regal driving distance from public housing" caused the department stores to close and resulted in their being nothing left except for 17 different Foot Lockers, a store that sold cheap suits with 11 buttons on the coat, a place called the "Nubian Hair Connection", and a Chinese Restaurant that said it had all sorts of stuff on its menu but really only sold chicken wings and "ernge chicken" (which is surprisingly similar in taste to Orange Chicken).  In the end Augusta was left with a brightly painted mall that had only one toy store and didn't even dabble in the booming nunchuck retail industry.
In fact there are really only three reasons to ever be in the Augusta Mall:
  1. The person who you made an oath to God to be with forever before you read the fine print about her spending all of your money and crushing your spirit makes you go, or
  2. You are about to partake in "business" lunch at the Chop House and yes you do need a receipt because this is about to get wrote the F off of my taxes, or
  3. You need to go into Hometeam Sports to buy something....anything....with a Georgia Bulldog logo on it.
I went in the other day because Mrs. Rider thought it would be okay to put a zebra print shower curtain in my newly completed Man-Cave bathroom again with the fine print. Needless to say you can't be very Cold-Blooded with a zebra print shower curtain....unless of course it is from a real zebra that you hunted and killed on the Serengeti during and African Safari you took with LSU defensive end Barkevious Mingo.  So I went into Hometeam Sports because I needed something (a shower curtain) with a Georgia logo on it.  Of course they had one but they also had a "store closing" sign up as well.  Turns out that Augusta Mall wants a king's ransom for the use of one of their store fronts and Hometeam just can't continue to afford it.  Look Augusta Mall you can't put the squeeze on peoples balls while Barry is up in the White House......everyone is broke.  To make matters worse you are talking about putting the squeeze to people who are doing the Lawrd's work!   Where am I supposed to go to get a Georgia Bulldog back scratcher or framed painting of a baby sitting on a Georgia helmet with a little baby headset on and Larry Munson with angel wings smiling down on him from Heaven at? 
These is hard times Augusta Mall so quit being gigantic queef sniffers and cut Hometeam Sports a break, you are already about 2 Foot Lockers away from being the mall white people used to go to as it is.
Big Dust......tell em about Hard Times!

30 comments:

  1. I COMPLETELY AGREE, I WAS JUST IN THAT STORE AND OVERHEARD THAT SAME THING. I MENTIONED TO THEM THAT THE ONLY REASON I EVEN AGREED WITH MY WIFE TO GO INTO THAT GOD FORESAKEN PLACE WAS BECAUSE I COULD LOOK AT SOME UGA STUFF. NOW I WILL NEVER GO BACK IN THERE, NOTHING TO SEE.

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  2. Thanks for the heads up on that store closing. My wife and I are heading to Augusta this weekend to blow the tax refund and you just gave me a reason to head to the mall. They always have some good UGA stuff there, although most of the GREAT stuff is a little out of my price range, so I'll have to check it out. I did my share of hanging out at the Regency Mall in my high school days, mainly because it was easier to get there from Aiken than the Augusta Mall, and I say your assessment is spot on.

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  3. Keep this stuff coming.

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  4. good stuff! (guess I ain't just a hater after all, Dirty Sanchez)

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    1. You're still reading impaired 88. I call you a bitch, Homer is the hater.

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    2. Now now Sanchez....88 is just like Homer Dawg...he is becoming a fan. Let's continue to court him over to the dark side.

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  5. HA! Too funny! Good stuff! All Malls go through that transition...as far as I'm concerned. Especially Lennox here in Atl! Just the way things go...

    Sanchez, take it easy on that guy...not everyone can read! lol

    GO DAWGS!!

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  6. Racism aside, aren't you an American and a Republican? And thus a fan of capitalism, property rights and market forces?

    Because it seems to me those are the things driving the changes at your mall.

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    1. Hmmmmm...racism? Is it racist to point out the obvious? Is it racist to state facts? Is it racist to say that serial killers tend to be middle aged white men? Are all middle aged white men now offended?
      I wonder is it the alleged "racism" or is it my Newt Gingrich (this is where you want to say George Wallace) quasi-Populist understanding of capitalism that got this article removed (yet again) from a link site that shall remain nameless? Aren't you an American and a "journalist" that respects the right of everyone to say what they want?
      If you can't understand our view on Capitalism it is because you, like Mitt Romney, are either a yankee or the far worse.....gasp.....Scalawag! Where is Wade Hampton when you need him?

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    2. Looks to me as if Rider is referring to thugs ruining the mall. Are you implying that all blacks are thugs, Lucid? Please, do tell. Until people start dropping these thugs where they stand, it'll only get worse because, as someone stated earlier, the damn security guards are only there to provide a placebo effect, not really do a damn thing, and I'm pretty sure most men don't want their wives or daughters following Aleta Bunch's fate.

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    3. I didn't remove your link, but I can't say I blame whichever of my partners did.

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    4. And if it weren't for the fact that people clicked on it enough to make it big, y'all would have left it. Sucks that y'all kill links that actually have interest from Dawg fans. But then problems with that glorified RSS feed are nothing new.

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    5. Sanchez, if our site leaves so much to desired, we can disassociate you from it. Just say the word.

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    6. Idiocy, your own partners admit to problems with your site. If you disagree, perhaps you should take your concerns up with them. Wee bit sensitive aren't we?

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    7. I know it does. Y'all have never hesitated before, and it worked so well in the past. As sensitive as you obviously are, be careful, you'll start getting stalkers like Athens Homer crying about censorship.

      And I'm not your friend, pal.
      http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/165191/im-not-your-friend-guy

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    8. Partner....employee....its all relative.

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  7. What are you idiots talking about?

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  8. That is one of the funniest articles I have read in a while. I too as a young child was drug into (on many occasions) that poor old mall. But the day would always be right, because we would stop off at the Bulldawg Bar on the 2nd floor and have a hotdog. If I was really good that day (not running around, and under clothes racks!) I would get to shoot a round at the arcade with the in house bb gun range.

    If your going to get racist though, the Augusta mall is already run over with hoodlums. Ill tell you a(I wont go back to that mall) story of what happened a few christamsas ago to us at the mall. To make it short, we were walking through the mall(by the food court) and a young white couple came out of a store pushing a baby buggy and got in front of us walking through. A gang of hoodlums were walking the other way and they cornered the girl and seperated her from him. While two assholes were harrasing the girl (Drop him and the baby, and roll with us, was the quote I remember hearing) the other two were threating to beat him as he was trying to protect the baby. Im about 6foot 3 and 280 lbs, Im no little guy, and I have had enough of these so called gangs. I grabbed the biggest dude who was harrasing the girl, and I bent him over the top rail of the mall on the second floor, acting like I was going to toss him over. As I had him by the throat I was yelling to the others to break it up, or I would toss old boy to the ground. Needless to say after some words were said they left them alone, and the girl and guy thanked me. Then an idiot security guard at the mall approached me saying he witnessed the whole thing. He said he was watching to see what would happen! I told him that it seemed they needed to do a better job at taking out the trash. He just looked me in the eye, and walked away. Thank goodness now, my wife wont take me back to the mall. Seems like it worked out really good for me.

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    1. They'd have been calling the "ambalamps" and the coroner if that had been me.

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  9. Article is spot, if you are from this area, you know it too well.

    Funny read, thanks for posting. I heard part of the Augusta Mall wants to secede from the other half. those in the area know the problem.

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  10. Only one pansy ass complaint about the article. I guess the transplant yankee liberals and scalwags have finally realized this is not the blog for them.

    Kudos to Rider for calling it what it is. I get so tired of people thinking that it is racism to call obnoxious behaviour by a black person or black people obnoxious.

    I had an "Augusta Mall" experience recently. The wife and I were at the local Mexican resteraunt having supper. A guy at the table next to us started playing loud rap music on his phone. Seriously, does anybody not just use theor phone to talk anymore? Anyway, the lyrics to this "song" were not anything you wanted to have to hear while you are out having supper with your wife. I first asked him to please turn it down. When he ignored me and continued to listen to it at the same volume, I got up, went and got the manager, waled with back to my table, pointed at the guy and said, "He goes or I go. And I'm going to tip a lot better than this jackass. If you need help getting him out of here, may I volunteer my services." My "african-american" counterpart was made to leave post haste.

    Assholery is assholery and if people wouldn't bitch out in the face of it they wouldn't be so bold with it.

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  11. Replies
    1. Yeah, the nerve of people wanting to shop in a safe, and thug-free environment. Good thing Georgia has a "stand your ground" clause in the GA Code. A group of thugs walks up to me threatening my life I have the right to start dropping bodies. ...and SINCE they're a mob, they don't need to actually have a weapon. If I'm wrong, Rider, correct me. I don't think I am from reading the law.

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  12. Same thing happened at Metrocenter in Jackson. The area gangs, read THUGS, used the parking lots for gang initiations. There's hardly anything there now. That's not racism, you stupid f'n liberals, that's an indictment on the regressive culture of violence that is prevalent among the inner city and it's been bred by the entitlement/dependency culture you fruitbat leftists have created. You don't see that behavior from decent black people out in the suburbs, unless some inept politicians decide to allow a few housing projects to be built among the neighborhoods of hard-working citizens, so can the racism shit. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metrocenter_Mall_%28Jackson,_Mississippi%29

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  13. I would like to add something to my earlier post and address the troll who posted the stupid "bitch ass crybabies" comment.

    I served four years in the Marine Corps. My buddies who were black (they hated being called "African-American")all talked about what they wanted to do when they got out and to a man, they wanted to get as far away from the idiotic, irresponsible, government dependant, trash that we are talking about. They used the Corps as a chance to serve their country and better their lives. One was from Atlanta, grew up in East Point, and talked about his desire for his children to grow up in a much different kind of place around much better people.

    The bitch ass cry babies are the porch sitters blaming someone else for their station in life and waiting on someone to help them.

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  14. Augusta, the town white people used to live in

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  15. Damn accurate article, I live in Augusta and am familiar with both malls. Articles like that should be on the Chronicle editorial page.

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  16. Keep it coming S & G...you guys are dead on and even the pussy ass liberals know it. Liberals act like they have all of this compassion for the poor "inner city" folk(poor blacks), but all they want to do is throw money(other people's) at them instead attempting to actually help any of them. They always live out of the city to stay away from all of the crime(they mean blacks) and always take the "bypasses" around town instead of going through "downtown" where it's dangerous(you know because of all the crime(blacks). Now I live out in the country outside of Savannah and commute to work for these same reasons, but I don't pretend or make up reasons why I do the things I do. I'll tell you point blank I don't want to be around or raise my kids around any of that bullshit......DW

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