Da' Dream Makin' Cold Blooded Sausage

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Monday, March 19, 2012

John Elway, Mitt Romney, and the Mormon Conspiracy to Take Over the World!

 "The Denver Broncos and John Elway exist in a symbiotic relationship geared towards ruining football as we know it."

This is a conspiracy at the highest levels.....the Mormon conspiracy to rule the world level. FYI everyone's favorite pick for VP, Marco Rubio, is also a Mormon (although his brown skin would indicate that his celestial being sided with Lucifer during the great war within the Celestial level of the Mormon heaven.)
 Prove this allegation CC!......I'm glad you asked:

1. Adam Schefter-  Schefter is considered the supreme insider into the NFL.  He cut his teeth over at the NFL network before the overlords of evil, ESPN hired him away.  Schefter originally worked as a beat writer for the Broncos during the Elway days which begs the question "Beat writer or Elway nob polisher?  You decide."  We wouldn't even be aware of this information were it not for the fact that Schefter attempted to "break" a story surrounding the soon to be fired Head Coach of the Oakland Raiders, Art Shell, a few years back......when the Al was still alive.  Al then turned the tables on Adam as only a slightly out of touch Al Davis could:
"The Raiders accuse Schefter of "Anti-Raider bias based upon his relationship with Denver and Mike Shanahan." That relationship includes a book the two of them wrote together, meaning that at one time Schefter had a financial incentive to want Shanahan to be thought of highly: If people like Shanahan, they're going to be more likely to like his book, and as a writer it's obviously good for Schefter for his books to sell well. When you consider that Shanahan has hated the Raiders ever since Davis fired him as their coach, it's hard to blame the Raiders for distrusting any reporter who is so closely aligned with Shanahan."

That is right.....good ol' fashion Raider Racism!

2. Mark Schlereth- Honestly.......why does he have a job with ESPN?  Prior to ESPN he was Elway's right hand man.

3. The Denver Broncos current helmet:


"Rider why did you post the same picture of a Bronco's helmet twice?"  So you missed it, huh?  This ain't an optical illusion, son!  This is as real as it gets....that horse with horse teeth is none other than Elway himself!  The Denver Broncos logo is actually Elway!

4. Elway is a slightly above average QB that pooed the bed in big games until some dude who wasn't even good enough to start at Georgia carried him to two Super Bowls.  Does Georgia get any love for this?  NO! Elway gets all the credit for turning around and handing the ball to someone else.

5. Elway's mishapped torso.

I'll tell you what it is:
ELWAY IS A CENTAUR!

Now add to that his whiteness and over sized teeth and he must be a.............................................

MORMON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's right!  Many moons ago the great prophet John Smith foresaw the day when Mormons would be poised to take over the world but they could only be stopped by two great forces:
Newt-Dawg and
The MIGHTY BOW!
So John Smith created a Robot on the celestial plane and then filled that robot with gold and sent it to our time to run for President and use the gold inside of his body to buy negative adds against Newt Dawg.  He then sent his trusty steed/friend Elway Centaur to our time.  Smith also sent a bunch of lesser minions to get jobs as NFL analysts so as to call Elway/Centaur a great QB when in truth he was not.  Then Elway/Centaur could use his mind control powers to gain control of the Denver franchise and ruin the Mighty Bow.
So here is the Mormon take over series of events:

-General George S. Patton dies under very odd circumstances as the result of a low impact car accident.  Had this not happened a 126 year old Patton would have stopped all of the following from happening.
-Elway/Centaur is sent to our time and raised in California by loyal Mormon followers.
-Elway/Centaur uses Centaur powers to get scholarship to Stanford.
-Mormon minions at various "Sports News Outlets" claim Elway is a great talent.
-Unfounded rumors begin to emerge that Al Davis is crazy and not to be trusted.
-Jim Donnan is hired as Georgia's HC and does not play TD.
-TD is under the radar and ends up with Denver to be used by the Elway/Centaur to win SB's thus giving the claims of Elway/Centaur greatness street cred.
-Adam Schefter appears in our time as a fully grown man and is given a job at NFL network based on a letter of recommendation from Elway/Centaur.
- Al Davis begins to expose vast Mormon plot but the Prophet Smith foresaw this and had perpetuated the myth of Davis insanity so no one listened.  Al Davis then dies most likely from being poisoned.
-Unbenownst to the world the Colts are secretly owned by the Church of Latter Day Saints and they inexplicable cut Peyton Manning so as to draft another horse toothed, mouth breathing, odd shaped torso QB from Stanford (only this time this one will play for them). 
-The Broncos (now under the full control of Elway/Centaur) sign Peyton Manning despite the fact that Jim Harbaugh was looking to pair Manning with Beast-Man Patrick Willis and win about ten Super Bowls. 
-The mighty Bow now has no starting job in the NFL just as the preponderance of negative adds have almost ruined Newt-Dawgs run at President.
-Finally, unless we act soon............the Mormon take over will be complete.

4 comments:

  1. that is hilarious..I can't stop laughing
    dw

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know who doesn't think this is funny? The pale skinned white dudes with oversized teeth, and perfect complexions who are circling my neighborhood in a kidnapper van.

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  2. Just think what you could accomplish if you used all this energy for good. :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Our powers are ever used for good. It is just a good that transcends your understanding. Keep reading and perhaps we will expand your horizons.

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