Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Missouri and AnM Schedule Breakdowns
As for Missouri I really don't know what they are thinking. What I can tell you is what you should think of Missouri. Missouri is to be shunned, disrespected, disregarded, ridiculed, and laughed at as often as possible. Why you ask......because they are Yankees and therefore they are inferior to you. You are only allowed to root for Missouri in their non-conference games and yet you must always remember that a non-conference loss by Missouri doesn't really count because they are not Southerners (and therefore are not real people).
Well with this in mind lets breakdown their respective schedules shall we?
Week 1- Southeastern Louisiana: Ahhhhh....I see you chose to start with a cupcake you Yankee scumbags. Well played....well played indeed...this is after all the Sparta of College Football so why make it harder than it has to be? Win
Week 2- Georgia Bulldogs: Now Missouri fans in the know will tell you that a) they will be way up for this game, b) Georgia always starts SLOW under Richt (see South Carolina), and c) Georgia tends to crap the bed in Non-Conference games.....seriously we have become the 90's Gamecocks against Clampson in recent NC games. Just to add fuel to the fire we thought it would be "real nice of us" to suspend half of the defense for this game. Unfortunately for Missouri half a Georgia defense is still 5 times more defense than they saw all of last year. Loss
Week 3- Arizona State: Hmmmm....so you are now in the SEC yet you decided to schedule a NC opponent from an AQ conference......curious. I wonder if there is anyone in the Missouri athletic department by the name of D'amon "Panty-Raider" Evans? Win
Week 4- South Carolina: Arguable the best D-line in the country will put all sorts of pressure on Missouri QB, Franklin. Oh you had a very successful scrambling QB in the Big XII last season, well guess what....SEC D-linemen are faster than Big XII line-backers. Franklin will be running for his life against the Cocks just like he did two weeks before against the Dawgs. Unfortunately for Missouri their D will be matching wits with the Ol' Ball Coach which will be substantially more difficult than two weeks earlier when they dealt with I Has a Crayon. Loss
Week 5- UCF: Missouri should have no trouble at all in this game. I mean you can't be taken seriously as a SEC program if you can't beat UCF. I mean it ain't like anyone in the SEC has recently lost to UCF in a crappy bowl game to cap off a crappy season. Wait......never mind. Win
Week 6- Vanderbilt: Now you will want to listen to me here Missouri.....don't go to sleep on Vandy! They will hang around like a crack head you felt sorry for three weeks ago and gave a dollar. Win
Week 7- Alabama: Uhhhhhh.....yeah.....good luck with all this. Loss
Week 8- Open: Well it looks like the scheduling gods smiled upon you this go around. After the previous weeks game you will just have to hope that the sphincter is a resilient muscle.
Week 9- Kentucky: I suspect you will have a big part to play in the 2012 farewell tour of Joker Phillips. Win
Week 10- Florida: We will never like or respect you Missouri but if you were to beat Florida we may move you from "Loath you with all that we are" to the "Hate very much" column. Alas we are fairly sure you won't make such a move. Loss
Week 11- Tennessee: I suspect you will have a big part to play in the 2012 farewell tour of Diddy's baby boy. Win
Week 12- Syracuse: The battle of the recently added to Southern Conferences, inferior, yankee programs we suspect the SEC will get one over on the ACC once again. Win
Week 13- Texas AnM: A refreshing conference game that is not wrought with ferocious defensive play and staggering depth.....it will be like a....well.....a Big XII game. Loss
Week 1- LA Tech: Just keep reminding yourself- "cupcakes are delicious, cupcakes are delicious, cupcakes are delicious." Win
Week 2- Florida: A familiar foe in Corch Boom MF'er but without that odd Mack Brown voodoo that oppressed this program for so many years. I suspect Florida will be better this year but Sumlin's relentless air attack should show us if BMF'er has the depth to compete in the East. Oddly enough this is the SEC debut of AnM but the pressure will be on Florida in this one. Win
Week 3- SMU: Could be just like UCF for Missouri (sneaky good) so don't be drunk of your week 2 success in this one. Win
Week 4- SC State: Good thing football games aren't decided by how well your band air humps their instruments. Win
Week 5- Arkansas: If Ol' Slutty Bobby P was still in charge I would say this week is the week you get a hard lesson in what the SEC is all about. Unfortunately for Hawg Nation they not only lost Petrino but they also decided to mail the season in and go with an Intra' Head Coarch. Win
Week 6- Ole Miss: The Vanderbilt of the West but without all the academic accolades and a lot more underlying racial tension. You could have had it all Ole Miss...you could have hired Leach. Win
Week 7- Open: Oh you will spend all week telling yourself how "for real" you are.....at least you will always have the hope of week 7.
Week 8- LSU: It is called reality and when it hits you it ain't pretty. We suspect your love of Sumlin will be greatly tempered after Lester rolls in with his blood thirsty Gee-Chee killing machine. The thing about LSU is that they just keep coming and coming and coming all Michael Meyers style......Oh, God they just keep coming...they don't even care that your head coach is such a good man who loves his players and makes them better people. They don't care that the game is in Atlanta and you dominated the first half. Oh God they just don't care......Uhhhhhhh....sorry I had a brief SEC Championship Game flash back there. Loss (and not so much a loss as a merciless beat-down)
Week 9- Auburn: This is a tough one because Auburn is the toughest team to get a real read on going into this season. I suspect they will be substantially better than last season and unlike Missouri after Alabama your sphincters will not get an off week. Loss
Week 10- Mississippi State: I had a lot of confidence in Dan Mullen going into last season but then I remembered he was coaching in Starkganistan. Mullen may be spinning his wheels in Starkveagas or it may be the case that the spread options has gotten the old check and check mate treatment from SEC defenses ( I suspect the latter rather than the former). Win
Week 11- Alabama: See Week 8. Loss
Week 12- Sam Houston State: You see...I told you so...cupcakes are delicious. Win
Week 13- Missouri: A refreshing conference game that is not wrought with ferocious defensive play and staggering depth.....it will be like a....well.....a Big XII game. Win
So as I see it we will have a surprising 9-3 Texas AnM and a horribly average 7-5 Missouri team. Way to get it half right Uncle Slive.