Da' Dream Makin' Cold Blooded Sausage

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Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Tennessee's Next Head Football Coach....The Odds On Favorites

THIS IS TANNERCEE!

No matter how good a program is and no matter how much the University loves football success the bottom line is that eventually everyone makes a bad hire.  The problem with Tannercee is that they have made two horrible hires in a row.  The Hillbillies have their backs against the wall with this hire.  Make the wrong choice again and it could be a decade before they have any real chance to compete in the SEC.  Needless to say the program will have to give the great toothless fan base a big name so that they can snuggle up with their pigs and rest easy this off season.

1. KIRBY SMART- DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR- ALABAMA
K-Smart's stock is up due to the success of Will Muschamp at Florida so all former Bulldogs who are DCs in the SEC will all work out....right?  The problem with Kirby is he may not be a big enough name for the droves of illiterate Tannercee fans.  Smart would recruit well....but like Dooley he is a bit of an unproven option. ODDS- 5%

2. CHAD MORRIS- OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR- CLAMPSUN
You are probably thinking this guy is at 5% just like Kirby on account of his lack of HC experience.....uhhhhhhh......I think we all know that this guy is the real HC at Clampsun....I mean really......do you think this guy below is allowed to make any real decisions:
Thank You Jesus.... for Big Lots and their vast selection of Clampsun sweat shirts.
The problem that Chad faces is he will most likely get the NC State job offered to him in the next few weeks.  He will then have a decision to make....take the sure thing or wait for Tannercee who may not realize until late March that Jon Gruden is NOT coming there.  ODDS- 10%

3. AL GOLDEN- HEAD COACH- DA U
"Heyyyyyy....whats that there dangly thang-a-ma-jig underneath his chin.....is that like a long turkey gobbler?  No wait is that one of them thare fancy shmancy neck ties?  I though we uhs a hirin a football coach not a preacher"~ Everyone Who Lives In Tennessee.
His HC experience would put him above the coordinators looking at the job but at the bottom end of what will be a number of big names. ODDS- 15%

4. CHARLIE STRONG- HEAD COACH- LOUISVILLE
Someone has NOT been skimping on the up-right rows......tight traps, playah!  Ol'Charlie is always the obligatory black interview and most likely won't get the job.  However, Tannercee should give him more than just a token look.  He is a defensive guru, his stints at South Carolina, Florida, and Louisville means he has deep ties to the recruiting fields all around Knockersville, and he has the HC experience.  ODDS- 15%

5. GARY PATTERSON- HEAD COACH- TCU
Being a Georgia Bulldog fan means that depending on your age, geographic location, and a number of other factors you will hate any one of five programs more than any other.  Some Dawgs hate Georgia Tech, some Florida, some Auburn, some South Carolina......for me personally it is Tannercee.  I loath Tannercee.  I hate everything about them from their craptastic fight song to their ugly uniforms.  So consider yourself to be on blast notice Tannercee.........you want to start a war you go ahead and hire Gary Patterson.  Richt could win a National Title this year and then ride off into the South American missions field sunset........I need GP available you inbred, toothless, outhouse using, hillbillies. ODDS- 15%

6. JAMES FRANKLIN- HEAD COACH- VANDERBILT
It's funny how quickly things can change......the mighty can fall.......a pauper can become a prince.  Two years ago everyone snickered at how Malzahn jilted Vandy and their $3.5 million a year b/c he did not want to get stuck in a no win situation.  Enter James Franklin and now he may have his pick of a number of good jobs and Malzahn will be lucky is Auburn calls and offers him job replacing Trooper.  The once mighty Vols may have to........gasp!.......actually consider hiring a Vandy coach.....and he is....BBBBbbbbbbbblack.....well at least high yellow and that is New Orleans sheik.
ODDS- 15%

7. MIKE GUNDY- HEAD COACH- OKLAHOMA STATE
OH THAT'S RIGHT, JACK!
THE HAIR IS ALL GELLED UP!
THE VISOR IS PULLED DOWN ALL LOW!
THAT BACK DROP IS ALREADY ORANGE, DADDY!
YOU FEELIN' FROGGY WELL THEN JUMP, SON!
YOU THINK I WON'T JUST STROLL INTO MEMPHIS, TENNESSEE AND SLAP JERRY LAWLER IN A FIGURE FOUR LEG LOCK OF DOOM UNTIL HIS LITTLE PRINCESS LEGS SNAP IN HALF?.......YOU BEST TO CHECK THE RESUME, SON!  I BRINGS DA' RUKUS!
YOUR CALL TENNESSEE........BE MEDIOCRE, BE AVERAGE, BE THIRD IN THE EAST, OR JUMP UP ON THIS GUNDY TRAIN BEFORE IT LEAVES THE STATION, WHOO-WHOOT!.....I'LL SEE YOU AT STARCADE, JACK AND YOU BETTER BRING THAT 16 POUNDS OF WORLD'S HEAVY WEIGHT GOLD SO I CAN STRAP IT AROUND MY OH SO CAPABLE WAIST......BELIEVE THAT, BABY!  ODDS- 15% (as a side his odds of winning the WWE Intercontinental Title are about the same).

8. EL DUDERINO HOLGORSEN- HEAD COACH- THE OTHER HILLBILLIES
No culture shock here, son.  Dana comes from West Virginia and as we all know the West Virginia to Kentucky to Tannercee corridor is its own special little slice of hell.  Dana may however-be surprised at all the teeth he sees in Tennessee (14 to be exact.....state-wide).  Plus, you can tell all the other programs to check the bulbs in their scoreboards cause the will be a poppin' when his Dudeness rolls into town. ODDS- 15%

9. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA...KEEP DREAMING HILLBILLIES

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